


Out on the Moonlit Floor

by SpaceWaffleHouseTM



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Ben is so in love with her, Bisexuality, Curse Breaking, Curses, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Graduate School, He’s also an idiot, Kissing, M/M, Mentioned Past Ben/Tai, Neck Kissing, No Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27783808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceWaffleHouseTM/pseuds/SpaceWaffleHouseTM
Summary: Ben was born with a peculiar ability — anybody he kisses will instantly fall in love with him.He’s never wanted to kiss anyone as much as he wants to kiss Rey.But he can’t kiss her because he knows her love wouldn’t be right. Wouldn’t be real. Wouldn’t be true.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 109
Kudos: 449
Collections: Galactic Idiots Collection, Queerly Beloved Reylo Fics





	1. Chapter 1

Their first apartment together is a piece of shit. He can admit that. Even though they’ve agreed to paint the walls and do some renovations, there’s only so much they can do about the heating systems and the plumbing.

But still, it’s theirs, it’s their crap apartment. As far as a first place for a couple of graduate students goes, it’s really not bad. They could’ve done so much worse. After all, their friends Finn, Poe, and Rose wound up with a house that leaks everywhere and anywhere at all hours of the day.

It really could be worse.

Of course, it would be bad if he actually noticed any of that. All he’s capable of thinking about is how scared he is that he’s now going to be living in close proximity to the woman he’s been in love with for the past four years.

Ever since he first met Rey, he’s known. The only reason he hasn’t said anything before now is that he isn’t sure she feels the same way. Sure, they flirt and laugh with one another like it’s nobody’s business, but that doesn’t mean it’s real for her, not the way it is for him. He can joke with her about all the sex they aren’t having and how married they’ll be in ten years, but fiction is different from reality. Always has been always will be.

And even if it weren’t, there’s the issue of his family’s curse, the one that’s plagued him his entire life. That terrible thing which is responsible for the strife in his parents’ relationship.

If he kisses her, she will fall in love with him. It’s not a question, it’s not a possibility, it is a certain, sure thing that he must avoid at all costs. She will fall hard and fast, and it will feel real for her, so real that if it ends badly, her heart will be shattered beyond repair, and while he wants her badly, he can’t do it.

Her love, their kisses that follow, wouldn’t be real. They would all be manufactured by the first kiss which set the curse in stone, he’s seen it happen before.

Ben’s ex-boyfriend still hasn’t recovered from the damage wrought by their failed relationship, and neither has he. Tai haunts him every day, and even though he calls to check in on him every so often, his every waking moment is absolutely wracked with guilt.

It was bad enough that he did it to his ex, but to do it to Rey, the first person he’s ever truly loved like this, would be unthinkable. He can’t do that to her, he can’t.

Keeping it to himself is the only option, to hide it away until they inevitably drift apart or something. Whatever fate has in store for them, he’s just going to let it happen. He won’t kiss her, not ever, not even once, not even platonically.

Not even during one of the spin the bottle games that Poe has planned as a part of their “welcome home,” party.

Which is what they’re decorating for now. Rey’s on a step ladder throwing silver and gold streamers across the ceiling, pinning them into place with scotch tape that’s clearly on its last legs. He’s doing the exact same thing, but his height combined with his long arms means he doesn’t need the stepladder. Beside them, Rose is placing little red solo cups down on their living room table in pyramid formation, getting the room ready for a rowdy game of beer pong that will likely go well into the evening.

Apparently in four years of college, none of them has ever learned a new game or new parlor tricks. It’s the same old shit, but a different day.

In the kitchen, Poe is pouring various liquors into various bowls with mixtures he doesn’t know the name of. With him is his boyfriend, Finn, who’s been Rey’s best friend since high school—now he and Ben share that duty—both of them mixing cocktails that are bound to give them all alcohol poisoning, cocktails he can never touch.

Well, he can have one, but he never wants to get too drunk. There’s someone from his hometown that he kissed at a house party once, someone he knows now has a functional life, but took years trying to get over him even though it was just one shitty little kiss. It was nothing but now, it’s impacted their entire life. He can never let himself go like that again.

Especially not with the woman he actually loves.

“Ben?” she asks, voice piercing through the veil of his thoughts.

Looking down, he spots Rey staring up at him expectantly, holding a gold colored streamer in her hand as if waiting for him to take it. “Yeah?”

“Can you put this one up on your side of the room? I’ve put too much gold on mine.”

She really hasn’t. That side of the room could actually use more gold, but he doesn’t mind being asked. He loves any excuse he can get to spend time with her. After all, it’s the best chance he has of letting her fall in love with him naturally. “Yeah,” he replies, taking it from her as a wide smile parts his lips. “Anything for you, my Queen.”

A glare is thrown his way as he gives her a mocking bow, then she smacks his shoulder. “Ass.”

“We’re only having this party because you wanted to, I think you should be nice to me.”

Her eyes roll so far back in her head he can see their whites, and his body shakes with laughter. “Technically Poe wants it, I’m just here for it. He planned everything.”

“That may be true, but you could’ve said no. I would’ve rather had a nice night with just us and a bottle of wine.” God, that would be great, wouldn’t it? Just him and her and Netflix maybe. One night with his favorite person on the planet—the perfect paradise.

But no. Ben Solo, local introvert, has been talked into a fucking _party_. The things one does for love, huh?

Sighing perhaps a touch over dramatically, he begins to hang up the streamers she’s handed him. “You’re lucky I love you, you know.” And she has no idea how much.

“Yeah, I know.” Then she frowns. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? It’s not too late to cancel. I know we’ve got half the streamers and other stuff ready but—“

“It’s fine, Rey, I just like giving you a hard time,” he assures her.

Laughter sounds from the other side of the room, where Rose is now leaning back against their sofa, watching with an amused glint in her eye. “Ben, if you weren’t so grumpy all the time you would almost be cute.”

“He’s plenty cute,” the woman beside him teases, patting his arm affectionately. “It’s in the smile.”

A blush rises to his cheeks as he finishes taping a piece of streamer to the ceiling. Him? _Cute?_ Did she actually just say he was cute? He’s going to have a heart attack. And a stroke. At the same time.

_Nightmare fuel._

Eyes going wide, Rose puts a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god he’s blushing.”

“He is, isn’t he!” Rey laughs as she reaches up to pinch one of his cheeks. “See, Ben? I told you that you were cute.”

His brows furrow. “Because I blushed?”

“Because you’re you,” she replies, then she pats his arm, and heads back over to her section of the room, leaving him feeling flustered and a bit confused as she walks away, and _god_ , he’s never wanted to kiss someone so badly in his life.

It’s all he can do to keep hanging up the streamers since his focus is now shot. Everything is running on autopilot and his heart has never been more conflicted—he can tell her now and end his suffering, or he can stay quiet. Of course, there are consequences to either action, if she says she feels nothing for him in return, then he’s wasted his confession and they spend the rest of their lease together very awkwardly.

However, if he says nothing, he will be in emotional turmoil all alone forevermore. There’s only so much more he can take of being in love with her and not knowing if she loves him back, and his curse complicates things beyond the point of comprehension. He isn’t even the first to have the curse, the damned thing has been passed down his family line from person to person.

His mother and uncle both have it. The former of the two kissed his father on a dare once and they’d tried to make it work, but their relationship is Rocky, imperfect, and everyone who looks at them knows there’s something wrong. Leia Organa had no idea she had the curse, and as a result, it had been one of the first things she’d told her son when he was old enough to talk. She’s been drilling it into his head ever since.

Kissing is a forbidden thing to him. As long as he lives, unless someone falls for him first, he must never kiss anyone unless he wants them—and himself by proxy—to suffer.

And tonight they’re having a party with alcohol and a game of spin the bottle, one in which he’ll be vulnerable to all the worst qualities of his damned curse. It’s risky, but no one will believe him if he tells them about the curse, and he doesn’t want to be dissected and inspected by scientists. This must remain a secret, _his_ secret.

Always. Forever. Until the day he dies.

*

The party begins the minute the sun sets. There’s not many guests, maybe a dozen people in total—given that’s about how many people they can fit in their apartment—but it feels crammed as hell and Ben’s introversion is screaming.

Still, he manages to have a good time. He sits on the sofa with Rey and Poe while Finn and Rose play beer pong—the latter of the two losing—watching with amused smiles and occasional raucous laughter. It feels like another Friday night like the ones they’d had in undergrad, making it clear to him that the good times haven’t stopped rolling just because they’ve changed degree programs.

It’s just slightly more grown up and they can drink alcohol legally now.

Yet the entire time he’s been on the verge of panic. No one has brought up spin the bottle yet, but he knows it’s coming, knows their friends won’t want to let a party go by without a game, and he needs to make himself scarce before beer pong becomes something else.

That will be easier if he can convince himself to get the fuck up and leave though, and he knows that won’t happen because Rey is here, pressed up against his side, and _god,_ does he love being next to her. His best friend is warm and smells like some perfume from Bath and Body Works or something. It’s woodsy and a little fruity, and he wants to bathe in that scent—and since she owns it in a bath soap too, he technically can if he sneaks into her shower. The scent is everything he likes about her, and though it’s some artificial spray, it smells like home.

“What are you thinking about?” Rey asks suddenly, scaring him into reality for the second time today.

Jolting slightly, Ben quickly flashes a smile, but his eyes don’t leave the party in front of them. “Oh, you know, just how badly I want to take a nap.”

One of her hands smacks his shoulder—and this time it hurts. “Don’t you dare.” Shifting back against the sofa, she gestures to the beer pong game, where Rose is currently chugging one of the cups down like it’s water and she’s been in the desert for years. “This is fun, Ben. You have to like fun.”

_But not what it leads to._ The consequences of what happens if they party too hard and the wrong way are killing him just to think about. He’d already tried not to do it too much in college just in case another incident like Tai or the one person from high school came about again, but each time felt like a test of fate.

So no, he does not like to have fun, and he won’t until he can kiss someone without ruining their life and making his a living hell. Fun isn’t for Skywalkers. Not now nor ever. It’s also why he refuses to have children. No one else should have to be subjected to this shit. No one.

“I like sleep more than fun,” he replies casually, as if he’s not having his five hundred sixty-third internal crisis right now.

Honestly that’s probably too generous a number.

Rey nudges him again. “Come on, Ben, these are our friends.”

“Yeah, I know, I just… never mind.”

“What?”

“Forget it.”

“No, I don’t think I will,” she replies, then as Finn and Rose set up for the next round of beer-pong, loud whoops and cheers filling the room, she leans into him more. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong.”

Of course she knows it’s deeper than just a simple case of him feeling like he’s had a bit too much social interaction. Of course she does. Lying to her never gets him very far and he really should know better by now, but somehow he never fucking learns.

A part of him wonders if he should just tell her about his curse already. They’re living together now, after all, and they have a bond that runs deeper than anything he has with anyone else. If he is going to tell anyone about the bond, it really ought to be Rey Kanata, right?

_No,_ his mind whispers, providing the ever present reminder that she will likely just think he’s insane. The only people who have believed the curse in the past—and this is true of his mother and uncle as well—are those who have fallen victim to it, and they only believed because they had no other choice, because there was nothing else to explain the irrational feelings they all held inside.

“I really do just want to nap,” he insists, and he knows she won’t believe him, but it’s for the best. It’s what both of them need in the long run, so he keeps on lying even though they’re both aware of it by now. Still she persists in giving him a look, and now he has to give her some half-truth that will at least temporarily resolve the matter. “And yeah, I guess there’s something, but it’s personal, so is it okay if I keep it to myself?”

Boundaries are the thing the two of them understand best. When one of them has something they can’t talk about, the other avoids pushing them to talk about it unless it’s outside the realm of reason. Ben is pretty sure his secret curse is in that realm, that it can stay there for as long as he likes, or even forever if it has to.

Rey understands that, too. Not a second later, she pats his cheek affectionately, her head resting against his shoulder as she sighs. “I hope one day you’re able to tell me.”

Before he can reply, There’s a shout, and Poe has brought a bottle of champagne out onto the middle of the floor, and Finn’s clapping loudly as his boyfriend gathers everyone into the living room. Some people gather onto the couch with Rey and Ben, others sit down on the floor, but the one thing that’s unmistakable is what they’re here for.

Now he really has to escape.

“I need to pee,” he announces quietly, hopeful that only Rey can hear as he gets to his feet. “Be back.”

She scoffs. “No you won’t.” And he may just be going insane, but her voice sounds disappointed and sad, almost as if she’s genuinely upset by the prospect of him leaving, by the idea that he might not want to stay for this round of spin the bottle.

Almost as if she _wants_ to kiss him.

As if.

It’s nearly enough to make him sit back down and say that he actually feels fine, that he can definitely stay for spin the bottle and pray that it never lands on him. In an ideal world, he’d be able to kiss anyone and everyone he wanted to as much as his heart wanted. He would be fun and spontaneous and have sex with strange people in strange places, but he can’t. The bastard curse will never let him.

“Sorry,” he mutters, then he leaves, catching one last glimpse of Rey’s crestfallen face before he makes his way from the room, ignoring Poe and Finn’s cries for him to get the fuck back there and play with them.

All that does is make his heart feel a little numb as he opens his bedroom door, then flops down onto his bed, barely bothering to even kick it closed with his foot. One stark truth is that his friends have failed to notice something, a thing which is rather important, actually, if they would only give the time to pay attention.

He never, not even once, has joined them for a game of spin the bottle.

*

Eventually, the party comes to an end. Sure, it’s at three in the morning and it ends with the five people who put this together taking a drunken trip to a Waffle House, but it is an ending. At least the seven others that Ben gives less of a fuck about are gone. He doesn’t even remember most of their names. Well, that’s a lie, but still, he’s glad they’re gone. This way he can enjoy the company of the people he can actually tolerate in peace.

“Okay but you spent two minutes sucking face with Kaydel Connix, so you can’t judge me,” Rose says, pointing a finger sternly at Poe while Finn rolls his eyes.

Poe scoffs. “It’s Armitage Hux, Rose, Armitage Hux! And he only came because of Finn here so—“

“Oh so now this is my fault?” Finn asks sarcastically, a great big smile blossoming on his face. “Or are you just mad at me because I gave Rey a peck on the lips?”

His boyfriend snorts. “That was _not_ a peck.”

Beside him, Rey swats his arm. “Oh yes it was, you dick. I love Finn, he’s a beautiful man, but I can’t ever kiss him for more than half a second cause it just feels weird.”

“Oh, thanks, Rey.”

“Babe, you know I love you, but not like that,” she tells him, squeezing his hand affectionately before she turns her attention on the food in front of her. “I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone the way I love these hashbrowns.”

Well, there goes his shot. Her one true love is hashbrowns, and while he knows she’s joking, he’s already having one _hell_ of a night. These feelings he has for her are starting to become a nuisance, one he really wishes would stop existing in the first place, but knows he can never get rid of.

For the rest of his foreseeable future, he’s going to be silently in love with her, and there is nothing he can do about it.

“Okay, okay, okay, but who was the best kisser?” Rose asks, interrupting his thoughts. “Poe, you can’t say yourself. We’ve got to talk about everyone else. Who is the best kisser.”

“Oh, that’s easy, Finn.”

“Aside from your boyfriend, you dolt, let’s make it spicy.”

At this point, Ben is bored of the conversation. It’s not even just that his feelings for Rey are souring the mood, but he can’t hear about everyone kissing when it’s something he can never do. Not without consequences.

Needing a breath of fresh air, he mutters something about forgetting his wallet in their car, and makes his way out of the restaurant. A distant part of him registers that she calls after him again, the same disappointed tone from earlier lingering on her lips, but then he moves on, ignoring it in favor of getting the fuck out of there.

Nights like this where he has to socially interact and be reminded of his curse take a toll on him. It’s really not the fault of his friends and the people around him, but by god, he wishes he could do what they can, or at least that it could be safe enough to tell them what’s going on. Alas, that’s not his world, so he goes outside and leans against the wall on the far corner of the Waffle House, away from where his friends are sitting.

Hopefully it’s far enough that they can’t see him, and if they do, they don’t think to follow after him. Right now, he truly does need to be alone, to be with his thoughts.

The night air is cold and freeing, and he almost loves the way it pierces his lungs with every breath. It’s the opposite of a burn, like he’s chewed minty gum and then swallowed icy water. It hits his face as he leans back against the glass, then sighs, his breath digging in the air.

Though it’s only September, it’s already started to get cold. That’s just the perk of living near the Rocky Mountains, he supposes. High altitude plus high latitude equals cold at the very beginning of fall. He’d be willing to bet that it’ll be snowed over by Halloween, actually.

The thought makes him laugh as he pictures himself and Rey building their first snowman—at the new place, at least—in the parking lot. They’ll build something classic and three tiered, maybe they’ll get inventive and base the structure off of one of _The Simpsons_ , but he doubts it. Every other snowman they’ve built has been pretty basic—they don’t exactly have high standards.

It’ll be fun, though, whatever they do.

“You okay?”

Looking to his left, he’s less surprised than he’s ever been to see Rey standing there waiting for him, arms crossed over her chest. Worry is in her eyes, her shoulders quivering slightly from the cold, making him wish he had the guts to take off his coat and give it to her, but for one thing, he’s also cold, and for another, he doesn’t want to give her the right idea. He can’t risk it.

A weak smile parts his lips. “I’m fine. Just needed a minute to think.”

“What about?” She steps closer, leaning against the glass wall beside him as they stare up at the moon and stars. “I don’t want to bug you too much about it, I know you said no earlier but you seem really torn up about whatever it is and I just—“ A shrug. “I’m worried about you.”

Giving her a weak laugh, he kicks a rock on the ground, listening to it rattle for a few seconds before offering her an answer. “You know how life is. Some days are easier than others. This was just one of the hard ones, I guess.”

It’s not technically a lie. Today has been harder than most days, and his curse runs parallel to every other facet of his life. Some days he can forget his curse—for the most part—and others not so much.

Rey seems to believe it, in any case. “I get that, but today’s a happy day, we just got our new place together. That’s exciting, right?” A blush creeps up her cheeks, though given that it’s timed perfectly with a chilly breeze, he can’t tell what it’s caused by. “I’ve been looking forward to it, downsizing.”

“Why?”

“You’re my favorite, you know. There’s a reason why I call you my best friend.” The smile on her face grows wider when she says this, and she decides to scoot closer, making his heart beat a little faster in his chest once he’s able to feel her body heat. “So yeah, I’m excited to live with you, idiot. Now we can get into all sorts of crazy shit together and not have to coordinate with anyone else.”

“Yeah, that does sound nice.”

“Mmhmm, so get excited about it. Cause I won’t be living with a downer for the next twelve months.”

She makes a good point. Curse or not, he is excited to be living with her for the next several months, or even years. It depends on how long she ends up wanting to stay with him. And they are best friends, they are close, and even if he wasn’t in love with her, this shouldn’t be hard, it should be easy—like breathing.

Rey steps closer, although it’s really more inching closer, her shoulder now touches his—well his upper arm at least—and the touch is comforting, soothing, and it makes him remember that there is so much more to life and his relationship with her, than just the anguish he feels at not being able to love her. Slowly, he reaches out his hand, his fingers curling around hers as he says. “You’re right,” he says. “And I am excited, sorry for the weird mood. I’ll try to get over it.”

She shakes her head. “No, just let me help you through it.”

“Okay.”

“This is the last time I’ll ask about this, I swear. But why didn’t you want to play spin the bottle earlier?”

“Just wasn’t feeling it.”

“Too bad, we should’ve celebrated. Maybe _you_ could’ve taken home the best kisser crown.”

They both laugh even while he has a miniature heart attack, their eyes trained on the moon as they look into their new future together, and Ben begins to wonder properly just how difficult life with a kissing curse is about to get.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I have been working a metric shit ton lately I just haven't had time to write. I should be able to update more soon <3

That night, he dreams of her. Specifically, he dreams of kissing her, of what it must feel like to burn with her like a fire, to drown in her as if she’s his own personal flood. She’s everything he sees, everything he feels, breathes, hears, and smells, overwhelming his senses.

_He sees the hazel of her eyes, the way they become hooded as he draws close to her. Like all dreams, he’s been dumped in the middle of it and he has no idea what the context is--why he’s kissing her or how they wound up here--but he doesn’t care. This is the moment he’s waited for his whole life, and even if all he ever gets is some imitation of the real thing, he’ll take it._

_Desperation is a powerful thing, sometimes._

_Feeling as though perhaps he really ought to pull away out of habit, Ben reaches for her hand. It feels real, like it does when he holds it in reality, all warm and soft and distinctly_ Rey _but there’s something off about it. Almost like the touch equivalent of when something is out of focus._

_“Rey?” he whispers as she reaches up with her free hand, tucking a stray piece of his hair behind his ear as she smiles at him with rose-hued lips, dimples outlining cheeks that are flushed with heat. He’s not sure if it’s because she’s cold or if it’s because of what they’re about to do, but he doesn’t care._

_All he wants is to kiss her before he loses his chance--or his nerve. With that in mind, he leans in closer, his eyes drifting between hers and her gently parted lips. Both of them are breathing shakily, the nerves frighteningly real even if it is just a dream._

_How can something so wonderful be so terrifying? He should be eager for this, willing and ready, but his years of fear brought about by the curse that is his birthright have conditioned him to view kissing as something to fear. Maybe one day he’ll be able to kiss someone--in dreams at least--without feeling as though he’s about to damn someone to the pits of hell, but clearly, this is not that day._

_Somehow, though, he manages. Tugging on that tiny shred of courage that’s developed within him, Ben pulls her forward, causing her to stumble until he can twine his fingers in her hair, controlling his descent toward her lips until they finally meet._

_It should be epic. He thinks maybe if this was real, it would be. They would melt into one another’s arms, the rhythm would be in perfect sync, and she would never let him go. But this is a dream—it doesn’t work like that._

_Instead, it’s dissonant. There’s some sort of slow-motion aspect to it that throws off the balance, that lets him know, beyond all doubt, that this is a dream and that’s all it can ever be. His mind is trapped in a fucking dream—as usual—a horrific form of torture that leaves him wanting to scream even as she whispers his name against his lips, a hoarse echo of the thing he wants more than any other._

_There’s so much he wants, so much he can never have, and it’s killing him even as he returns the messed up, half-hearted kiss. Dreams never quite do anything justice, whether it’s a sick action sequence that could rival_ Mission Impossible _or kissing the woman of his dreams. Everything always feels wrong, like he’s moving too slow—a computer that’s lagging behind on startup. It ruins what should be a perfect fantasy, a vision to last him through the eternal winter that is his love life._

_And Ben feels his heart break all over again._

*

When he wakes, it’s to the sound of Rey’s fist pounding on his door. Three raps of knuckles on wood to bring him into wakefulness and three more to confirm she’s there when he sleepily mumbles, “Hello?” His head perks up, his hair falling into his face just as she knocks that second time.

This time is infinitely louder than the first, causing him to wince as he places his hands over his ears. God, he loves her, he loves her so much both platonically and romantically, but the one thing he can’t stand about his roommate and best friend is that she likes to wake up early. The nice thing about that is she usually makes breakfast—used to be for the whole house but he supposes it’s just the two of them now—and shares it, but he wishes she’d wait until after eight in the morning to do it.

Still, he appreciates her and the smell of blueberry pancakes that wafts in when she cautiously pops his door open an inch a second later. That wakes him up, though it certainly helps that it’s joined by the distinct scent of coffee a second later. “You can come in, you know. It’s not like I’m naked or anything.”

“Mm, what a shame,” she replies as she opens the door, then strides in casually before flopping down on his bed, her hair fanning out over his blanket-covered feet. “We need to talk.”

 _Uh oh._ He swallows, taking in a deep breath as he pushes himself into a sitting position. “About what?”

“We have an empty bookshelf in the hallway.”

“...and?”

Reaching behind her head, she smacks his calf. “We need to fill it with books, dumbass.”

“Oh.” He scratches his head. “Are you telling me you want to go book shopping?”

“I am indeed.” Then she rolls over, propping her head upon her elbow as the grin on her face grows impossibly wide. “So, what do you say? Shall we?”

Head tilting to the side, he quirks an eyebrow, then tosses his sheets aside, groaning as he throws his feet over the edge. Rey’s delighted laughter accompanies his movements, providing background music as he walks over to his dresser, and grabs a pair of jeans he’d set on the top the day before. “You suck so bad.”

His best friend beams as she sits up, jumping off of his bed as she places her hands on her hips, nodding affirmatively. “But you love me?”

 _Oh, you have no idea how much,_ his traitorous little brain thinks as he tosses his jeans over his shoulders, turns to her, and shrugs. “You got me.” And that’s about as far as he’s capable of getting without blushing profusely. “Mind getting out of here while I change?”

“Why? Don’t want me to enjoy the show?”

Nervous laughter forces itself from his throat, then he shakes his head. “I’ll see you for pancakes in a minute, I promise.” The smell of them is still prominent, he hasn’t gone nose blind to it yet, his stomach growling audibly as she begins to back out of the room.

Now she’s the one laughing and he’s only more embarrassed. It’s not as if he’s going to be able to kiss her anyway, but it doesn’t help. Maybe one day she actually will fall in love with him and they will get that happy ending he hears about so often in stories, maybe they won’t.

It just won’t happen if he keeps making a fool of himself every time he opens his mouth.

Sighing to himself, he waits until she’s all the way out of his room, then he begins to free himself from his pajama pants. Honestly, he could probably get away with going out in these, they’re simple, gray joggers with a tie at the waistband--a present from Rey, actually--but this is one of those days where he actually feels like giving one, singular fuck. Just one.

It’s for this reason that he wears those jeans. Well, that and according to Poe, he swears he once caught her checking out his ass in them. While Ben knows he doesn’t have much of an ass--it’s truly quite like the pancakes his roommate has waiting for him in their kitchen--he’ll take whatever he can get when it comes to getting a reaction out of her. That tiny, stubborn sliver of hope that still resides within him that he’ll be able to break his curse needs to be fed.

 _This is ridiculous._ As far as he knows, there isn’t even a way to break the curse; his entire family line has been plagued with this issue their entire lives. They’ll kiss people and then have to deal with the consequences of their subsequent infatuation until the day they die.

A struggle that Ben already knows all too well.

With a grunt, he finally finishes pulling up his jeans, only just remembering to button and zip them up before he walks out into the common area of his and Rey’s apartment, and his stomach provides one last growl at the sight of the pancakes waiting beside the stovetop. _God,_ he wants to marry this woman, maybe after he returns the favor just to make it even, but still. Marriage is on the table.

“You are the best person alive, you know that?” he asks, grabbing hold of the plate next to the stove. “Literally perfection.”

Her eyes roll as she sets her own plate down on the kitchen table. “I’m all right, I guess.”

The corners of his mouth twitch as he sits down beside her, thinking about how wrong she is. Rey means more to him than she will ever know, even if she comes to love him back, he won’t be able to convey the depth of what he feels for her.

That’s how he knows the damage of his fall is irreversible.

“Perfection,” he insists one last time, then he digs into the pancakes, forcing those feelings down again, as he always does, and pines in silence.

*

“What sort of books should we fill it with?” Rey asks as they push open the door to Kenobi’s, a tiny, rustic looking bookshop on the south end of town. A little bell rings to accompany their entrance, earning them a wish of a good morning from the old man behind the front register, but seeing as he’s too busy counting cash, he doesn’t look up.

Not that Ben minds. It lets him know they’ll have some sense of privacy and are unlikely to be disturbed. “Hmmm, are we actually going to read them?”

“When the wifi’s down and we’re bored. Or I don’t know, maybe if we have spare time we could read them to each other.” She shrugs, running her fingers over the spines of each book on the first shelf they walk past. “It could be fun.”

Snorting his amusement, he pulls on one of the books, grabbing forth from the shelf what can only be a romance novel if the cover is anything to go by. A woman in a pale blue gown, breasts practically spilling over the edge of the low-cut neckline is held by a shirtless man with well-defined muscles and high-waisted pants. His hands are covering her entire waist while hers are reaching back, twining themselves in his hair.

The title of the book has something to do with a Duke and a highlander, but he barely notices. All his brain can think about is that the couple portrayed on it kind of looks like himself and Rey. The man’s dark hair is sculpted by waves frighteningly similar to his own and the woman has her freckles, her tanned skin, and though she’s not really smiling, there’s something about the look on her face that’s distinctly similar to his best friend’s.

Maybe that’s why he grabs it, because he likes the idea that somehow, in some way, there’s an image of them out there the way he wishes they could be. “How’s this?”

A couple of quiet footsteps fill his ear, then he can feel her warmth radiating between them while she looks down over his arm at the book. Seconds later, an amused chuckle rumbles against his skin, sending shivers down his spine even though it really shouldn’t. “A romance novel?”

“Yeah, why not? We could use some happy endings, couldn’t we?” _Well, I could use a few happy endings,_ he doesn’t say out loud. “What do you think?”

“There’s a difference between a happy ending and a cheesy ending, Ben Solo.” She pats his arm affectionately, backing away toward the next section. “Let’s keep it, though. This way we can say we’re versatile.”

“Versatile, huh?” he asks, tucking the book beneath his armpit as they make their way through the rest of the shelf. “What sort of stuff do you like?”

“Science fiction. I like the world-building, the high stakes, the space battles,” she admits, pulling forth a book with an image of a blue streak across the middle of a spiral galaxy on its cover. “The endings are ambiguous, they can be joyous or devastating. I like the surprise.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I like the thrill of suspense, that’s why I like horror and thriller novels, too.” Tucking her book into the crook of her arm, she reaches for another, finding yet another romance novel, the couple on the cover--a dark-skinned, also shirtless man and a blonde this time--earning him an amused hum. “Why do you like romance novels? Aside from the happy endings.”

“Why can’t it just be happy endings?”

“Because nothing’s ever so simple.” Patting his arm, she hands him the second romance novel, then quirks an eyebrow. “So come on, tell me then. Why do you like romance novels?”

 _Oh,_ he has so many reasons. It’s wish fulfillment for every dream he can never make a reality, a way for him to live vicariously through characters that don’t exist, that can never exist. But how can he tell her that? How can he look her in the eyes and explain this in a way that makes sense? A way that avoids telling her about his curse?

Or could he just tell her about the curse anyway and let her know? Out of all people, she’s most likely to believe him, isn’t she? It’s irrational, but given how he’s felt over the last day alone, he’s starting to wonder how much longer he can keep this up. “I…”

Suddenly, he finds he can’t say it out loud, any of it. There isn’t even a hint of why he hides so much of himself slipping through his lips, his silence the only thing he’s capable of speaking.

Rey doesn’t buy it. “Oh come on, Ben, it can’t be _that_ deep.”

But it is. It’s deeper than she can ever imagine. He exists in a world of curses, his entire life shaped by the knowledge of what happens each time he activates it. How can he explain that to someone who believes that magic--though he’s fairly certain it’s really some sort of genetic defect--such as this can't be real?

“It is,” he says plainly, then he begins to walk away, hoping beyond everything that she’ll just drop it and let it go. “Oh, hey, they have the _Percy Jackson_ books. Those have some good mythology.”

Face falling into disappointment, Rey nods. “And a romance.”

“And a romance,” he repeats, then they continue weaving themselves between the rows of books, both growing quiet as they pluck a few more books they think they’ll like. They say nothing, but he knows the conversation isn’t over and it won’t be until they pick it back up again later.

They’ve only hit pause, and there’s no denying they’ll put things back in motion before the day is over.

*

Rey begins to question him the second they leave the store. The questions are nonstop, one after the other, and she’s always been curious, but this time she’s also determined. There won’t be any stopping her until she gets some answers, ones which he’ll struggle to give her.

“Ben, please,” she begs him. “I know something’s going on with you. You’ve always been quiet and a little weird and I just thought it was part of your personality but now? The past few days you’ve been odd, even for you.”

Oh, they have, and he knows they have. He still won’t give anything away, though, not yet, he’s not ready. “Yeah, it’s like I said last night, I’m in a bit of a mood and I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

That still doesn’t seem like enough. Her hand wraps around his bicep as they turn onto the next street, a largely abandoned one-way that smells of rainwater and a hint of garbage, but neither of them pays it any attention. “Maybe I can help you, though. It’s got something to do with that game of spin the bottle, doesn’t it?” A pause. “Have you never been kissed or something? Is that why you’re uncomfortable with it?”

Now there’s an idea. He can let her think he’s never been kissed, that inexperience is all that’s bothering him, but he knows he’s a terrible liar. That’s one ruse he’ll never be able to keep up no matter how hard he tries. “No, I’ve been--I’ve been kissed before.”

Boy, has he. His brain flashes back to Tai, to the boy with the short dark hair he’d thought was his first love, remembering how it felt to kiss him. _That_ had felt real, intense, all-consuming, and it was so good until he started to fall out of love with him and his boyfriend’s feelings didn’t change. One day he’d been in love with him and slowly, as time passed, he stopped feeling that way.

They’d been together for two years, just long enough to go through the full cycle of a relationship, just long enough to know one another intimately in ways most others would never understand. Now Ben feels guilty, endlessly guilty, and Tai is trying, but he’s trapped, struggling with feelings he can never erase.

That can’t happen again. It won’t happen again.

“Then why?” Rey tugs on the arm she’s holding, forcing him to look at her as she brings them to a halt. “What’s got you? Why are you so scared right now? Look, I understand needing time, I understand having secrets, but you’ve been distant for years, pretty much the entire time I’ve known you, so I want to know why. Especially now that we’re living together.”

Ben scoffs. “You think you’re entitled to my private life?”

“I don’t, I just want to help you.”

“Please, Rey, just leave it alone.”

“I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. We both know it. I’m on the cusp of figuring it out and--”

This time, he outright laughs. “No, you’re not, you’re not even close, because what’s going on? You have no hope of ever understanding--” _Fuck,_ now he’s said too much. He’s said far too much. At this point, he can’t retreat without looking ridiculous or losing her trust--actually, he’ll do both of those things, but he likes to think he can get out of this while just managing to look stupid. “Look, you won’t believe me if I tell you. I shouldn’t tell you either, it’s not just my secret to tell.”

Her head shakes, confusion furrowing her brow. “What is? And how crazy can it be? Are you about to tell me you’re a wizard or something? Are you Superman?”

“What? No, I’m cursed.”

Another silence settles over them, his pounding heart the only thing registering in his ears as she shakes her head. “Everyone’s unlucky sometimes, Ben, that’s just life--”

“No, I’m actually cursed, it’s my birthright.” He steps toward her, having to tilt his head down to look at her now that they’re this close. “See what I mean?”

All she does for a second or two is blink at him, processing the absolute bullshit he’s just said to her, then she laughs. “What?”

“I can’t kiss anyone, Rey. Well, I can, but not without them falling in love with me. I’m not just talking an infatuation, they’re genuinely, hopelessly in love with me, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a long-term relationship, one-night stand, or even just a little spin the bottle kiss. I can’t kiss anyone.” Her face is unreadable, her expression having fallen from perlexion to neutrality in half a second, so he takes a deep breath, deciding he might as well tell her everything now that he’s gotten this far. “That’s why I don’t get drunk either. Alcohol lowers my inhibitions. I’ve accidentally kissed someone before who--” His hands come up to run through his hair, the waves falling like a curtain into his eyes before he brushes them out again. “Rey, I still look after them, but--”

She holds up a hand. “You’re serious?”

 _Unfortunately._ “Yeah, I am.” His lower lip drags between his teeth, and his heart stops when he watches her eyes flicker down to it.

She’s curious now, isn’t she? She wants to know what it’s like to be with him like that, to test his curse out and see what happens next. God, he wants her to do what she’s thinking, he wants that so badly, but he can’t let it happen and he’s not even a hundred percent certain that’s what would happen.

Rey swallows. “Ben, that’s impossible.”

“Ask my family. My mother and my uncle both have it, they’ll tell you it’s true.”

“Curses? Ben, I just--”

“Look, I don’t know how it’s possible, but my grandfather had it, too and so did his mother before him. It’s the truth, I swear. That’s why I hate drinking games, why I won’t play spin the bottle, why I don’t date.” God, it sounds insane, every word that comes out of his mouth sounds like a lie or some fantastic tale parents tell children at night, but it’s all true. It’s _his_ truth. “That’s my life. I can never date or kiss anyone ever again cause there’s no way of knowing if their love is true or if it’s from--”

This time, she’s the one to lick her lips. “Your kiss?”

A nod. “Exactly. I can’t do that to someone, not again. I already fucked up with my ex-boyfriend, but that’s what you get for thinking you’ve found the one in high school, I guess.” Running his hand through his hair again, he steps back, needing to breathe air that isn’t intoxicated by her. “So if I were to have joined you last night, and that bottle landed on one of you and I’d been drunk enough--”

“You could’ve cursed us.”

“Yes.”

“How do I know it’s true?”

“Ask my parents, ask my ex, ask anyone I’ve ever kissed. It’s not a long list of people but they exist.”

For a moment, time stands still. Her chest rises and falls, her breathing synching with his, and in the silence, he watches the gears in her mind turn. She’s running through every possibility, trying to gauge whether or not there’s any way this could be false given the argument. There’s no doubt in his mind she believes him; she knows his parents, knows his mother would be able to convince her of the truth if Ben fails to.

The facts all add up, and it’s the most relieved he’s felt in a long, long time. When she looks up at him knowing for a fact that he’s cursed, that his life is more complex than anyone else realizes, he feels peace. Finally someone knows the truth, someone accepts his truth, someone knows him as he wants to be known, and he has someone to confide in fully that isn’t his mother or uncle.

Their eyes remain locked for a while, then she reaches out, her fingers brushing the skin of his cheek as he tries not to shiver beneath her. Failure occurs a second later when she gently swipes her thumb over his lower lip, and this time, he does tremble--no, he doesn’t just tremble, he _whimpers_ \--and damn near goes weak at the knees. “If I were to kiss you, I’d fall in love with you.”

“Instantly,” he breathes. “From the moment our lips meet to the day you die, and you wouldn’t have a choice.”

Her thumb skims over his top lip now, tracing the curve of his cupid’s bow, then she blinks a couple of times, eyes clouded over with thoughts he can’t see. “So many questions.” Her voice is quiet, soft, and almost gentle like she hasn’t realized she’s spoken out loud. “Let’s go home. We have books to put away and--and it’s cold.”

“And you have a million questions?”

She shakes her head. “A billion.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in just over two hours so I'm sorry if it's fucked and also sorry it took so long my writing energy has not been present

_The first time Ben meets Rey is freshman orientation in their dorm room. They’re both eighteen, both wearing jeans and white t-shirts, and the only difference in their appearances--aside from their heights, is the converse on their feet._

_His converse are black. Hers are red. In a weird way, they almost match, but it’s that one key difference that tells him so much about the girl standing next to him, the one who looks just as disinterested in all of this as he is. Of course, not many actually give a shit about what their RAs are saying, they don’t care for the bonding exercises or the ground rules of what you are and aren’t allowed to bring into the building--they just want to go to their first college parties._

_It’s Friday night before school starts and they go to school in a fairly large city. Anything can happen and the students are, as a result, eager to not worry about dorm rules and campus life and just go out and live. They’re finally free of their parents after eighteen years, they no longer require any kind of adult supervision._

_They want to spread their wings._

_Ben, however, doesn’t really want to go out. He just wants to go back into his dorm and watch Netflix into the wee hours of the night, and maybe one day he’ll change and he’ll join the rest of the flock in the partying and the craziness that they’ll soon become accustomed to, but for now, a night in seems perfectly reasonable to him._

_Beside him, the girl he’s noticed looks just like he does--dress wise, at least--has stopped scowling. Now she’s leaning over to the girl next to her, an even shorter woman with bangs and a low ponytail, listening to her as she whispers something presumably funny with a smile on her face. Together, the two of them burst into quiet giggles, then the shorter girl smacks the one next to him._

_He’s not sure what’s so funny, but given how bored he is, he kind of wants in on the joke. As the RAs look over their way, a reprimand heavy in their gaze, he raises his hand with the most charming smile he can muster, and channels his smooth-talking father. “Sorry about that, I tripped.” And just like that, they look away, resuming their discussion of how the fucking laundry room works._

_Converse girl and her friend--actually, she’s probably her roommate, given that the little sticker they have announcing their name and room number says the same room number, just two down the hall from Ben--both look at him in shock. “Thanks, mate,” she says, and though she’s only spoken two words, he picks up her accent--it’s a low and deep voice that’s unmistakably British, and if he’s being honest, kind of sexy. “I owe you one.”_

_“Nah, it was nothing, I think that Hux guy or whatever his name is just has a stick up his ass.” He shrugs it off. “It’s cool.”_

_“Yeah, it was.” She holds out her hand. “I’m Rey, this is my roommate, Rose.”_

_“Ben,” he replies, shaking it before stepping back so the RAs don’t notice they’ve once again decided to interrupt their speech. “I think you live two doors down from me.”_

_Her eyes drift low to the sticker on his chest. “Looks like.”_

_“Do you have plans tonight? We’re looking to have a tiny in house party to celebrate our first night on campus,” the other woman--Rose, if he remembers correctly--says. “It’s just us and two other people. One of them’s actually your roommate.”_

_“Finn?”_

_“Yeah, he’s been a friend of ours since sophomore year of high school, he’s cool.” Then she points across the room, keeping her finger low so as not to draw attention. “The other guy’s his boyfriend, Poe.”_

_Ben looks at the other guy, watching him lean against the nearest wall in the corridor as his arms cross over his chest. He too looks like he would rather be anywhere else than this stupid fucking meeting, and something about him--though it has little to do with his disinterest in the RA meeting--makes him feel like he might be trustworthy._

_“So what do you think?” Rey asks, her cute accent bringing his attention back to her. “Are you in?”_

_It’s… not a bad way to spend his first Friday night away from home. Besides, this girl has a look in her eye that makes him kind of want to follow her everywhere she goes, makes him want to know more about her. They clearly have a good bit in common if they’ve worn the exact same thing--even if it is just the most basic outfit of all time--and while he knows they can’t ever date or do anything beyond being very good friends, he thinks hanging out with her might be good for him._

_Six months have passed since he broke up with Tai. It’s time for his heart to move on, for him to begin to heal from the damage he inflicted on his last relationship and build new ones--new_ platonic _ones._

_Nodding slowly, he watches his new friends grin. “Sure, what time do you want me to come over?”_

_Rey beams at him, and_ shit _she has a cute smile, too. He’s doomed. “We’re starting at eight, it’s bring your own booze, but you can borrow some of mine if you want.” Her hands rest at her hips. “And you don’t have to drink if you don’t want to, it’s just an offer.”_

 _He really shouldn’t drink, but his only problems have come from being completely, fully inebriated so far. He’s never had an issue with a beer or two, so maybe he and his new friend can share booze, so long as it doesn’t lead him to share_ more _booze. “Sounds great.”_

_“Perfect,” she says, then she steps just a touch closer to him, the gesture so slight anyone else looking on wouldn’t notice, and Ben feels his heart race as he realizes his curse may be about to doom his first campus relationship before it can start._

*

“So it passes onto you through birthright?” Rey asks as they finally approach his car.

Pressing the unlock button on his keys, he then pulls open the back door, and sets down their pile of books, praying the humidity in the air didn’t damage them in their brief trip through the alley back into the parking lot. “Correct. It’s in my mother’s family line.”

She falls quiet for a minute, thinking this over. It’s what she’s been doing for the last ten minutes since she found out about his curse, since her entire world was flipped over and she found out in some way that magic and fairytales might hold some truth to their existence. This is why he has to be patient with her right now, because he knows how this feels.

He remembers what it was like to find out that curses exist, that magic is so much more than just myths like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

“I just… I can’t even think of what to ask.” Pulling open the passenger door, she plops herself inside, waiting for him to follow suit before she turns to face him. “And you can’t tell anyone?”

That’s a complicated question with an equally complicated answer. “Well, I can’t tell most people. I shouldn’t have told you, but my mom trusts you, I think my uncle trusts you--”

“Your uncle doesn’t even like me.”

“No, but he trusts you, and that’s what’s important.” Ben starts up the car, putting it into reverse gear as he rests a hand on the back of her seat, and begins to pull out of their parking space. “I can usually only tell people I’m in serious relationships with, and most of my relationships don’t get that far. I mean, people are generally understanding when I say I don’t want to kiss them, but some get offended. And then… on occasion I fuck up.”

Rey looks at him sympathetically as he puts the car in drive, and they move out into the road. “How many times has it happened?”

“A couple. My high school boyfriend is still in therapy trying to shake me, but there’s only so much you can tell a medical professional about a curse he definitely won’t believe is real.” His face falls as they come upon a stoplight, then he turns to look at her. “I talk to him from time to time, but there’s only so much I can do. I think his only solace is how guilty I feel for ruining him.”

She falls quiet. “I’m so sorry.”

Closing his eyes for half a second, he pictures Tai like he knew him, a bright, smiling boy with a wonderful future ahead of him and nothing standing in his way. He pictures their first date, the way they’d snuggled up at the midnight premiere of some major blockbuster, how they’d looked at their junior prom. They’d been so happy for so long, and then in senior year, Ben had started to realize he wasn’t as serious about the relationship whilst his boyfriend remained happy as ever.

The fallout isn’t something he ever wants to repeat. “Yeah, me too. He’s a good guy. Deserves a lot better than me.”

For another moment, they sit in silence, then their ears are filled as he presses his foot on the accelerator once the light turns green, and it’s as if they’ve also been given permission to resume the conversation. “So that’s it? A kiss on the mouth? That’s how you activate the curse?”

“Well, yes, and it can be as tiny as a peck or an hour’s long makeout session. The duration or intensity of the kiss has nothing to do with how much the curse affects you.”

Rey nods. “And can it be anywhere?”

“Anywhere?”

“Can you kiss someone on the forehead, the neck, the hand? There’s other places to be kissed besides the mouth.” Her little giggle at the end leaves him feeling somewhat more at ease, but he’s still nervous, still unable to believe he’s telling her this, or what it could lead to.

A tiny smirk blossoms at the corners of his mouth. “Are you asking me if I can give or receive oral without activating my curse?”

“Yes.”

“Rey, I tell you that I’m cursed, that magic is in some way real, and your brain immediately thinks, ‘hmm, I wonder if he can suck dick and get off scot-free?’”

They both burst into laughter as he turns onto the next street, the tense atmosphere briefly giving way to something that feels good and normal. It’s like nothing bad ever happened, and maybe that’s because his secret is no longer hanging over them like a terrible, dark cloud, but maybe it’s because it’s not so bad that he told her. Maybe she’s one of the few good ones who knows how to handle this secret.

After a couple of seconds, she gathers her wits, and nods. “Yeah, basically. I mean, it’s just one of many questions, but sure, why not?”

“No the curse can’t be passed on by oral sex. It can’t be passed on from kisses anywhere else either.” He pauses. “Though, if you kiss me on the cheek and even a tiny fraction of your lips touch mine, that will do it.”

“Has that happened to you?”

“No, thank god, but my uncle Luke has this girl in DC he’s been avoiding for years because he kissed her on the cheek in greeting and now she won’t leave him alone.” He winces at the memory of this particular story--not a bright spot in his family’s history, that’s for sure. “We try to look in on her from time to time, but it’s been twenty years and she’s still like that.”

Beside him, his best friend whistles low. “So it can happen even if someone kisses you, and it’s not you kissing them?”

“Correct, it doesn’t matter who is the giver and who is the receiver. If it involves someone from the Skywalker bloodline, the curse will activate.”

Sputtering over her words for a second, Rey shakes her head. “But this is just mad, though. How can curses be real? How did your family’s curse even begin? There’s just no way it’s possible for one of your distant family members to have woken up one morning, kissed someone, and then realized, ‘Oh shit, they’re in love with me forever now.’” She gestures vaguely, her body shaking in frustration and confusion. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“That’s the thing, we don’t know how it happened,” he replies, voice growing sad again as the world around them passes by in a blur. “It’s just been like this as long as anyone can remember. My grandfather, Anakin, was a scientist, his theory was some kind of pheromone related genetic defect, but I think it’s a curse. I think maybe some religion out there, some mythology, got it right and we might just be proof of that.”

Rey gives him a kind smile, one of her hands coming up to rest on his shoulder before she swallows, almost sounding nervous. “So how soon can you tell the curse has hit them? Is there something in their eyes?”

For a moment, he says nothing, a million memories dancing in front of his eyes as he remembers every time he’s activated his curse--which is really only a couple of times, but it’s a fairly terrifying event--and just what it looked like the moment he realized he’d just ruined someone’s life. “It’s nothing like you can imagine.”

“Then what is it like?”

*

_Kissing Tai is the greatest feeling in the universe. Truly, it is, he’s convinced that nothing can ever feel more right than this, right here, holding the boy he loves as they kiss beneath the mistletoe and Christmas lights. Ben’s not religious, and he really doesn’t like the holidays, but his boyfriend loves them, so he puts up with this kind of shit and goes to see the lights with him, and oh boy, is it worth it._

_They’re on their two month anniversary date, the stars are shining and the lights are glittering, and of course the fucking mistletoe is there so Ben, feeling sure of himself and his feelings, in his sixteen year old hubris, decides that this is the time to kiss his boyfriend for the first time. After all, as far as he can feel, this relationship seems destined to last forever. They’ll be flirting in the retirement home together, he can just_ feel _it._

_Tai’s hand comes up to twine itself in his hair, and he whines low against his lips, an arm wrapping around his waist as he holds him closer, wanting to enjoy the first kiss he’s had where he’s almost certain there’ll be no consequences. The last time had been just a casual fling that had ended in tears, and while she might be okay one day, he’ll forever regret what he did to her. This time won’t end the same way._

_The boy he’s kissing now is no fling, he’s everything to him, he’s his entire world, and every time they hold hands in the hallways at school, he becomes more and more certain of it. They’re fated, his curse will never haunt anyone else ever again, and unlike the rest of his family, he’ll finally be able to move on and live a normal life, a rare privilege for a Skywalker._

_They pull apart slowly, both of them holding onto one another for support. Ben almost feels fucking dizzy, like he’s been spinning around on that teacup ride at Disney World, but instead of feeling as if he’s on the cusp of throwing up, he just sees stars, bright and shining, as if the sky itself has come down to bless them._

_“Wh-why’d you do that?” Tai asks, and his eyes slowly flicker open to see his boyfriend staring at him in awe and wonder, his gaze drifting between his lips and everywhere else as if he can’t quite believe he’s real. “I-I mean, I liked it, but--”_

_Pointing up, he grins. “Mistletoe. I know you would’ve hated me if I missed out on the opportunity to kiss you under mistletoe, and, I don’t know, I just felt like it was time.”_

_“Uh, yeah, it’s time, I’ve been waiting for you to do that since the day I asked you out, I just didn’t want to be pushy.” Laughing nervously, he runs a hand through his short, dark hair. “You, uh, you’ve been holding out on me, Solo.”_

_A blush rises to Ben’s cheeks, and his eyes fall to the ground, embarrassment and relief somehow swirling in him as one. “I just--”_

_“It’s a good thing, Ben,” his boyfriend says, placing his hands on his cheeks before he kisses him again, this time a little more deeply. They move more now, and Tai’s tongue sweeps gently over the line of his lower lip as his palm cradles the base of his skull, holding him in a way that’s so tender he almost can’t fathom how it can possibly be real._

_He’s heard of what kissing can be like in books, seen it in movies, but the one other kiss he’s had pales in comparison to this. It’s unlike anything he’s ever had, any feeling he’s ever felt. The closest thing he can think of is how it feels when he’s on a plane, when he’s sitting on the runway and the pilots key up the engines, and suddenly the damn thing just shoots forward at an increasingly high speed. It’s like flying, the way the adrenaline rush spikes in his brain, the way he feels like Peter Pan and Wendy finding the second star to the right._

_It’s everything, and maybe it might even be worth risking his curse for just this one moment, for this first--well, it’s actually his second--beautiful kiss with his boyfriend._

_Eventually, he pulls away a second time, stopping to take in how Tai is looking at him now. A small alarm begins going off in the back of his head, but he ignores it, because he thinks the way he’s staring at him is born of an intense, all consuming, genuine love. As far as he’s concerned, this can’t possibly be anything but the best day of his life, anything but a normal, average relationship in its honeymoon phase._

_“Are you okay?” he asks, and Ben laughs as he nods._

_“I’m perfect.”_

_“You want to go get hot chocolate or something? It’s getting kind of cold out here.”_

_Reaching up, he takes hold of his boyfriend’s hand, then steps back. “I thought you’d never ask.”_

*

The questions continue when he pulls into the parking lot of their building. He doesn’t even have time to note how it looks like a shithole like he usually does, because he’s too busy trying to come up with yet another answer. Not that he minds, he’ll answer anything she wants him to, but still, he’d kind of like a break.

“So you could basically have sex but as long as your mouths don’t touch, it’s fine?” she asks, having lost her sense of shame completely about five minutes ago.

Ben rolls his eyes as affectionately as he can manage as they walk up the stairs toward their apartment. “Yeah, I can, but I really, really shouldn’t. You just don’t know what can happen in the heat of the moment.”

She shivers, then, but given how cold it is in the hallway, he thinks it probably has more to do with that than anything else. He _hopes_ it has nothing to do with him. If his roommate is asking these questions because she wants to test his curse, he’s going to die, and not just because of the curse, but if Rey wants to sleep with him as badly as he wants to sleep with her, he’s going to stroke out.

Clearing her throat, she changes the subject. “Okay, so you can basically do anything but kissing on the mouth, it doesn’t matter whether you’re the giver or the receiver, and the intensity of the kiss does not reflect on the intensity of the fallout, correct?”

He takes their apartment keys out of his coat pocket, handing her the bag of books as he gives her yet another nod. “Correct,” he replies as he inserts the keys into the lock, then pushes open the door. “Put the books down on the kitchen counter.”

“All right.” They enter the apartment together, the bag rustling loudly as she walks, then she sets it down, the dozen or so books they bought at Kenobi’s meeting the granite with a dull thud. “So there’s one more variable I haven’t asked you about and from what you’ve told me, I don’t know if you’ve even considered it.”

Snorting, he leans against the counter, propping an elbow up as she does the same, mirroring him as the two of them stare at one another. For a moment, they remain like that, their eyes flickering back and forth, their faces inches apart, until he realizes she won’t speak first, and his curiosity gets the better of him. “And what is that?”

“What if the person you’re kissing is already in love with you?” she asks, voice trembling ever so slightly, and he sincerely prays it’s not from the cold. “I’m assuming the curse only works on those who aren’t currently head over heels in love with you, right? And I’m not just talking infatuation, or being in love with some idea of you that they have in their head, no, no. I’m talking completely, unconditionally in love with you and everything that you are.”

She--she’s right. He’s never considered that. They’ve never talked about it--him and his family--they’ve never discussed what happens when they’ve already had someone fall for them, perhaps because none of them have ever been that lucky. It’s always been pain and the fear of consequences that kept them away from people for so long, but now, as he looks at Rey, her freckled face mere inches from his, her eyes drifting down where they shouldn’t be, he wonders…

“I’ve never tried it,” he admits, then he lets himself drift a touch closer. “I’ve never thought anyone would love me like that. I didn’t think I’d let anyone in close enough, I--”

He falls silent as she shifts a little closer over the counter, leaning on her elbows as her eyelids remain low, her gaze focused on the pink swell of his lips. _Holy shit._ “But what if you did without meaning to? There’s more ways to bond with people than just dating, Ben.”

At this, he fucking _gulps_ nervously, but his eyes start involuntarily doing the same thing as he drifts closer to her, drawn like a magnet or a moth to a flame. “And do you think that would be enough? Do you think that would be worth risking it? People fall out of love, you know.”

Humming softly, she reaches up, brushing back a piece of his hair, then she takes a deep breath. “They don’t if they really, really mean it. If they’ve already meant it for years before they say anything.” Her hand lingers by his ear, her fingers reaching up to twine in his hair. “Ben…”

His heart is racing at a million miles an hour. All this time, has she truly felt the same way about him? He can’t imagine it; her pining after him just as he’s been pining after her. Had she been checking him out during orientation, too? Had they both been admiring each other when they weren’t looking? Had every time they’d hung out over the past four years felt like a date because it actually was even if they didn’t know it?

How had he missed it? How can he still not believe it now? She’s all but told him she’s in love with him, that she wants him to kiss her, that they would work because maybe, just maybe, his curse isn’t cruel enough to doom someone who genuinely cares about him.

Their lips are almost touching now, his eyes have drifted shut, and for a half a second, for the most beautiful half second imaginable, he lets himself pretend that he’s going to do it, that he’s going to close the gap and make last night’s dream a reality. He’s going to kiss her, they’re going to date, and he’s going to let himself be in love properly as he’s always wanted to.

But that perfect forever can’t be, because even if she’s right, even if he’s just never thought of this before, he still can’t risk it. If he’s wrong, even if they last a whole decade before he falls out of love with her, she’ll still be suffering because of his stupid fucking curse. If he’s wrong, he dooms them both, and even if he isn’t, he’ll always spend his days wondering if she loves him for him or if it’s just the curse.

“Please,” she whispers, and _god,_ he hates himself, but he shivers against her in spite of the way her breath warms his lips, and he shakes his head.

All he can say to her is a quiet, shaky, “I-I can’t,” before he wrenches himself away, and makes his way down the hall to his bedroom, feeling the world go dark like he’s about to pass out as he leaves her, shell-shocked, in their kitchen.

Their friendship is ruined. It’s the first thing he knows as he closes the door and reality starts sinking in around him. They’re done for, over, and though he’s hated it every single second of his twenty two years thus far, he’s never hated his curse more than he does now. He can’t be with her, but it’ll take them a hell of a long time to come back from this, to recover from knowing they’re both in love but they can’t be together--even if it’s just a risk--and that kills him inside. His curse has killed him, finally dealt the death blow, and he knows for certain this is it, this is the finale--

Because before now, it had never taken Rey away from him, and that, somehow, is the most devastating thing he can possibly imagine.


	4. Chapter 4

She bangs on his door not ten minutes later, her fist tapping mildly against the wood as he lays in bed staring at the ceiling, wishing he’d been able to cross the gap between them and kiss her. He wishes nothing more than to just get up and go to her, but he can’t.

Maybe she’s right, maybe the curse could be broken by kissing her--at the very least, it may not affect her the way it does everyone else, but still. Love lies right outside that door but he cannot go to it. They cannot be together until he knows for sure whether or not kissing her would be impacted by the curse.

 _God,_ this is miserable. He’s known the guilt of falling for someone and not having his love reciprocated properly, but to know that it is and not be sure of whether it’s safe to pursue? That is proper torture, true and complete misery.

Rey knocks again, and he grabs one of the pillows lying next to his head, shoving it into his face as if it’ll block out the sound. It doesn’t, especially when she slams her palm on his door, her voice growing soft. “Ben, please, just talk to me. We don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to, but I think you could be freed if you tried.”

Technically, she’s right, he could be free from his curse if he gave into his feelings and kissed her, but he doesn’t want to find out this way if he’s wrong. As far as he knows, no one else in his family has ever broken it. Sure, his mother and father are on good terms, but he knows his father pines for someone who isn’t capable of loving him back any longer.

“Just leave me,” he whispers quietly, his voice most certainly inaudible to the woman outside, but it gets it off his chest nonetheless. “Please…”

A frustrated groan leaves Rey, then she pushes herself away from the door, or at least, he thinks she does. Not a second later, he hears the sound of her footsteps retreating down the hall, and he knows she’s given up for now. It’s likely she’s gone off to sulk as he has, but unlike him, she isn’t haunted by memories of all her past kisses and their consequences.

 _Fuck,_ why did he say anything? They could’ve gone on the rest of their lives in peace, and sure he would’ve pined after her for a while, but eventually he would’ve moved on from these feelings, wouldn’t he? Maybe he’s had them for years, but he can’t imagine a world that’s so cruel that it would force him into an unrequited love with her for the rest of his life, until he’s old and gray and his bones have become brittle. No universe would be that cruel, but he doesn’t know what to think when the universe bestowed this curse upon him in the first place.

Now he has to live with her, has to accept that he’s trapped in her atmosphere for the remainder of their lease while knowing he must do everything he can to avoid her.

He needs air. All of a sudden the world around him feels suffocating, his hands fight the urge to claw at his throat, to relieve his lungs of the sudden pressure that seems to be collapsing them. His heart races, his breathing becomes erratic, and before he knows it, he’s on his feet and running out the door. He barely has the state of mind to grab a hoodie before leaving his room, the door flinging open with such force it likely leaves a dent in the wall--and definitely earns Rey’s attention--and shakes the apartment, but he doesn’t care.

 _Run,_ his mind screams at him. _Run now._ Only it doesn’t tell him where. All he knows is that he must run, that he needs to hide from her and from their life and his curse, and he needs time to gather his thoughts.

Nothing clears one’s mind like a nice drive, he supposes.

His car keys jostle in his hand as he grabs them off of a nearby hook, one which still bears the streamers from the party they’d had last night. A part of him wonders how it ever got this far, how he came to be here, wanting to sob, wanting to collapse to the ground and scream, but he knows. It’s because of him, because he’s the worst secret keeper in all of history, and he could’ve spared himself so much pain if he’d just kept his mouth shut.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

It’s still humid when he gets outside, the clouds above looking as though they’re threatening to unload buckets of rain at any moment, but he doesn’t care. He just gets in his car, jamming the keys into the ignition perhaps a touch too forcefully as he starts it, then he’s off, pulling out of the parking lot by their apartment complex, and driving out into the dreary, gray fog that’s settled over everything.

Where he’s going continues to be a mystery, but he’s starting to get a sense of clarity for his destination. He needs someone to talk to, someone to tell him what to do, someone who understands his struggles in a way that no one else can.

Someone he once thought he loved, who loved him in return.

Maybe Tai will hate him for showing up unannounced, but on the other hand, maybe it won’t be so bad. He did promise to check in on him from time to time, after all, and if he’s right about Rey, there’s a chance they’ll both be free, that they’ll finally end the years of misery between them and they’ll get a happy ending. Even if it’s not with each other.

*

_Ben knows the moment he falls out of love with Tai. Well, he knows the moment he recognizes it; they’ve been slightly distant for a while now, but this is different. He feels like his boyfriend is a million miles away from him even though he’s right there, like he’s some kind of mirage in the middle of a desert._

_They’re lying in bed, holding one another in the early morning light, but this normally comforting moment makes him feel like he’s drowning. Tai is still asleep on his chest, the dark strands of his hair all askew over his heart, and yet Ben knows unmistakably that he doesn’t want this anymore, and it’s not just a small doubt in his mind anymore._

_He has fucked up, his choice to start this relationship has doomed them, and now the boy laying beside him is going to suffer for it. His family warned him about this, they told him long ago that involving himself in someone without knowing for certain that he’d spend the rest of his life with them was dangerous, but he’d been so sure, so firm in his belief, that he’d just let everything go._

_Forgetting his curse is now going to be the biggest mistake of his life, unless by some miracle he falls back in love with Tai, but he isn’t, and now he’s not even sure his boyfriend was genuinely in love with him either. For all he knows now, his love was simply a teenaged infatuation, and he’s just cursed this sweet, loving boy to care for him until the day he dies while he remains unaffected._

_Or at least, unaffected romantically, his spirit is fucking destroyed._

_Resting a hand on the back of his head, Ben leans forward, kissing the crown of messy tangles before he slowly begins to roll out from underneath him, taking extra care not to wake him as he begins to reach for his things. His shirt is cold as he throws it back on, likely because the air conditioning in Tai’s bedroom has been broken for about three weeks now, but it feels spectacularly cold today in light of the turn his heart has taken._

_A shiver runs down his spine, but as he moves to leave, he leans down, and presses a kiss to his sleeping boyfriend’s forehead, whispering a quiet, “I’m sorry,” into his ear. He hasn’t done it yet, and he’s going to wait a little while longer to be sure, but he knows this is the beginning of the end, and he fucking hates himself, but he leaves that bedroom, the warmth they’ve shared, and begins the process of self loating as he walks down the stairs, pulling on his jacket as he prepares a text to his mother._

_Sure, he could call her, but he’s still in Tai’s house and he’s not ready to say anything out loud yet. He won’t be for a while._

Mom   
  
Mom? I think I fucked up.   
  
How   
  
Tai. I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore and well, you know, I activated the curse   
  
I just fucked up bad   
  
Come home, we’ll talk about it then. It’ll be okay, Ben.   
  
Will it? Cause I definitely just messed up his future and I don’t think there’s any coming back from that.   
  
It will be okay. You’ll both be okay. I promise, I’ll get you through this.   
  


_Knowing he has no other choice but to believe her, Ben puts his phone away, and begins the walk back to his house, knowing that in spite of his mother’s promises, things won’t be as okay as she thinks, that they’ll be broken for a long time. They’ve just entered a world of hurt, and all because his stupid, teenaged brain didn’t understand the difference between infatuation, a crush, and love._

_Tears begin to pool in his eyes, spilling out onto his cheeks as he crosses his arms over his chest, trying not to sob openly on the street. It’s not like their neighbors will judge or even comment on it, but he wants to keep himself together until he gets home, until he can reach his mother, and she can help him deal with it._

_Because there's no chance in hell that he'll make it through this alone._

*

Thinking of Tai in the present day as he drives down the interstate toward where he still lives in the suburbs, he wishes he’d stayed in bed with him a little while longer. Perhaps a few more seconds could’ve bought them so much more time, spared them so much more pain, but he can’t ponder that too much.

His life is a never ending series of what ifs and could have beens; a parade of would’ves, could’ves, and should’ves that he’s tired of. If he has any hope of ending it, perhaps the last person he thought it was possible for him to love might be able to give him some answers.

 _Fuck,_ he’s tired of maybe.

Eventually, he comes upon the exit his ex-boyfriend still resides off of, his breathing growing slightly erratic once again as he slows down the car. A slight drizzle has begun to fall, rendering visibility low, but he pushes on. Tai is only a few minutes away now and Ben’s car has brights that blind people, so odds are he’ll be just fine.

Still, he bites his lip until he pulls up to the house that Tai moved into during college, taking a deep breath while he raises his knuckles to the door, and begins to knock, praying that he’ll answer, that he’ll want to see him after all this time. Especially given that he is only coming to see him to find out if it might be worth it to try and love someone else.

No, this is a terrible idea, and he needs to run as fast as he can before the door gets answered and he’s forced to confront his past, but then Tai is standing before him looking shocked and a little confused. Both of them blink at each other, staring like they can’t believe the other is real, but then his ex gives him a weak smile. “Hey, Ben.”

“Tai…” he says breathlessly, still reeling from the flurry of emotions he’s experienced over the past hour. He’s known where he was going, but for some reason, he’s still surprised that he’s here. “I just--”

A breathless sigh leaves the man in front of him, then he steps back, opening the door a little wider. “You want to talk?”

At this, Ben’s the one smiling, albeit dimly as he steps through the threshold into Tai’s house. Out of everyone he’s ever known, he always was the best at sensing when he wasn’t in the best of moods. “Yeah, I kind of need your help.”

“Ah.” Tai shuts the door behind him, then steps ahead, walking further into the house as he follows behind. “Do you want a drink or something?”

“No, I’ve got to drive back after this, so I probably shouldn’t.”

“I think I will, if you don’t mind,” he replies, and it’s clearly just a joke, but Ben winces nonetheless. He doesn’t want to think that his presence here is so painful that his ex needs to drink to numb the feeling, but it’s likely happened before even if that isn’t the case now. “So what is it? Have you fallen for someone else or are you just feeling guilty today?”

He almost snorts as they reach his kitchen. “Both?”

Eyes going wide, Tai laughs as he reaches for the door of his refrigerator. “So who are they? I’m guessing they’re someone close to you like me, or you wouldn’t be this torn up about it.” Grabbing one of the Coronas on the inside of the door, he leads them over to the counter at the center of the room, reaching into a drawer to get a bottle opener, then the crisp sound of carbonated air leaving the bottle fills his ears. “But why do you need me for that?”

“Because I know I’m not just infatuated with her, and I need to know if it’s worth it to try and give a relationship a shot.” Ben leans against the counter, watching as his ex sips casually from the beer bottle. “I need to know if I should try it or if the curse will doom her regardless even if I am actually in love with her right now. Cause I’ve been falling steadily over the past four years and I don’t think I could find a way out of this fucking pit if I tried.”

Features growing solemn, he nods. “Unlike with me where we were dancing around each other for maybe a month or two before--”

“Yeah.” Ben sighs. “I just want to know, because I’ve asked you these questions a million times, but I need to know. Will you be okay? Are you okay? How badly did I fuck up your life by kissing you when we were sixteen?”

For a moment, Tai is quiet, far more so than he’s ever been, but then he lets out a slow, deep exhale, and sets down his drink. “I thought what we had was love, too. I was also too young and stupid to realize we were just being dumb teenagers, to realize that it wasn’t something that was going to last forever.” Stepping around the side of the counter, he reaches out for Ben’s hand, waiting for him to overturn his palm before he takes it. “I think we had a good run, you and me, and I don’t regret it, even if I do wake up crying some nights because I realize I’m in love with a man who can never love me back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Just… I don’t know, being without you has been hard, I won’t lie, but lately I’ve been trying to date, putting myself out there, I--” He laughs, a slight pink flush coating his cheeks. “I’ve got a date this Sunday. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I figured I’d try. I may always hold a candle for you, and I may not always be able to control that, but--” Taking a deep breath, he tightens his grip on Ben’s hand. “I think you should try to be happy. I don’t want to see you checking in on me every few monts looking utterly miserable for the rest of my life. That’s not how either of us deserves to live.”

“But--?”

“You said she loves you back? That you know you genuinely love her and it’s not just some infatuation?”

“Yes, but--”

Tai holds up a hand. “No fucking buts, Ben. That’s all in the past. I--”

“Did you just make a pun while trying to tell me that I should try and find love with my roommate whose life I’m desperately trying not to ruin?”

“It made you laugh, didn’t it?” he asks, his smile growing wider as the corners of Ben’s mouth twitch, a giggle falling through helplessly. “That’s what I’ve been missing. Your laughter, the way you move, how happy you get when you think things might be looking up. I need you to be happy, that’s all anyone wants for you, babe, and if something does go wrong, at least you tried, but I think if this girl is in love with you as much as you’re in love with her, then this won’t go the way you think.”

Ben’s eyebrows furrow together. “You’re not saying--?”

“I think there may be a way to break your curse, it’s just a theory, but surely you’ve thought about this yourself. If this truly is some kind of weird, magical thing, then all curses have a way of breaking. I don’t think you’re trapped by some unbreakable vow, this isn’t forever, I think you just have to try.”

Nodding slowly, Ben straightens up, then he brings Tai’s hand to his lips, pressing a brief kiss to his knuckles. “I think I’ll take that drink now.”

Immediately, his eyes flood with concern. “Why?”

“Because I want to celebrate the end of all the bull shit. I want to toast to ending the pain and misery, and moving forward to the future.”

“So you’re going to do it? You’ll tell her?”

“Yeah,” Ben whispers, though it sends a chill down his spine to think of actually doing so. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to try and be with the woman I love.”

*

When he gets home, he’s almost afraid to open the door, as if when he does, she’ll have left the apartment and their life together and he won’t even get a chance to tell her how he feels. The door’s even unlocked still, like it was when he left, and he supposes she may have just forgotten to lock up after him, but still, it scares him for a moment.

“Rey?” he calls out softly, then he steps into the apartment, closing the door behind him as he walks through the living room, wincing at the remnants of the party they still have yet to clean up. “Are you home?”

His eyes fall on the bookshelf next. It had been empty when he left, but now it’s full, the romance novels, _Percy Jackson_ books, and everything else they’d bought resting side by side on proud display like they’ve been waiting for him to come home. She must’ve done it shortly after he left, because the bag they came in is already sticking out of the trashcan in the kitchen, and as he looks to the deck beyond their dining area, he can see the door is open, and she’s leaning against the rail.

 _Thank god,_ he thinks, making his way toward their deck on unsteady feet as he watches her breathe deeply in the cool, late afternoon air. “Hey,” he says, noticing for the first time that she’s nursing a small glass of something in her hand. “Did you hear me come in?”

“I did,” she replies tritely, gaze falling to the ground, avoiding his. “I just didn’t know what to say, given how we left things earlier.”

Biting his lip, he steps forward to join her at the rail, leaning is elbows on its edges. “I think I do,” he says softly, then he lets his eyes meet hers as she looks up at him expectantly. “Do you have time to talk for a minute? I think I know what I want to do now, and I want to know if you’re willing to try something with me.”

“You won’t run away this time?”

 _God,_ he feels so fucking stupid now, he never should’ve run, but on the other hand, what Tai had said to him had done wonders for setting him straight, so maybe just this once, he did need to run away. Sometimes, it did good to get some air, but still he nods, knowing this time he needs to stand his ground, that he needs to actually talk to her if he has any hope of moving past this, if he has any hope of breaking his curse. “I won’t run away.”

For a couple of seconds, she stares at him apprehensively, then slowly, she nods, reaching out to grip his hand, their fingers twining together as she gives him a small smile. “Then, for you, I have all the time in the world.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cut the chapter count cause I realized I could do this in one bit. Thanks for following this, sorry for the nonexistent editing.

“So why did you leave so quickly earlier?” she asks, sipping from what he’s now figured out is a left over bottle of red wine as a gentle breeze blows past them.

As their hair is lifted gently from his shoulder, he sighs, leaning ever so slightly toward her in an effort to get warm. “I was scared. You were making sense, but the risks--they just--they overwhelmed me, and so I ran away. I needed time to think.” And to clear his head, but they’ll cross that bridge when they get there. 

Rey falls quiet for a moment, the two of them staring out over the horizon to where the mountains rise up in the distance. The night isn’t exactly clear. There’s a decent, but spotty covering of clouds overhead, but between them, he gets a glimpse of the small spattering of stars that cover the Denver sky. Given how close they are to the city, there aren’t many, but it’s enough to make him smile as she squeezes his hand. 

“I didn’t mean to pressure you into anything earlier. I just… saw an opportunity for you to be free, and wanted to know if you’d take it.” She turns to face him then, nodding slowly. “I should’ve asked first. I should’ve been more careful.”

Biting his lip, he continues looking out at the distance, not quite ready to face her yet. “You had no way of knowing. I’d only just told you I was cursed, and in your world, that kind of thing wasn’t real until three hours ago.”

Humming softly, she turns away, then rests her head on his shoulder. They don’t speak for a moment after that, but he can feel the tension in the air slowly rising, the water coming to a boil, but it isn’t rapid or heated, it’s slow and almost content. He feels at peace like this, just holding her without any worry of what could come of it, without fear for how their futures will be shaped by his actions. 

This is both the best and most terrifying moment of his life. If he fucks this up, he loses his best friend and ruins her existence, but if he does it right, he’s free to live the way everyone else does. Life without shame or supernatural consequence. 

“I talked to my ex, Tai. He’s the boy whose life I ruined in--”

“High school, right. I remember. You only told me three hours ago.”

Shy, soft laughter fell from his lips. “Right, yeah, I did.” Shifting awkwardly, he lets his head rest atop hers. “I needed clarity after our conversation, I needed to hear someone else say it, to see how someone else I’d fucked up was doing after a few years just in case I worked up the courage to--” He cuts himself off, unwilling to put those words out in the air just yet. “I just want this to be perfect. If today turns out to be the last day I ever have to deal with my family’s curse, I want to be able to go through it with absolute certainty that it’s--”

“Perfect?”

“Yeah,” he says, fingers lacing with hers as he closes his eyes. “Tai is actually one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. He always knows what to say to set me straight, and I know in an ideal world where it wouldn’t cause great pain to us both, we’d still be close friends.”

“What’d he tell you?”

“He said he wants me to start living, basically. I’ve been in the dark for too long, and I need to try and move on, to try and break this curse, not only for his sake, but for mine.” He shifts their hands, holding them close to his chest as he exhales shakily. “I’m scared, Rey, I don’t—I don’t know what that’s gonna feel like.”

Pulling away from him, she looks up into his eyes, curiosity growing anew within hers. “Freedom?”

“All my life, as much as I hate it, this curse has been a part of me. What am I going to do if it’s gone?”

“You’re going to _live,_ Ben. That’s what you’ll do. You’ll finally have a normal life, be able to love freely and openly without fear of the consequences, and that’s what Tai was trying to tell you.” Shifting closer, her eyes drift down, and though he can’t tell for sure in the low lighting, he has a pretty good idea of what she’s looking at. 

Courage abandons him. “Whatever you’re thinking of doing, do it.” He shakes his head. “I’m not—“

Always able to read his mind, Rey places her hands on his cheeks, palms caressing his face as he feels his heart begin to race in his chest. This is it, isn’t it? The moment where everything changes, the time when everything goes either horribly wrong or perfectly right. Either way, he can’t uncross this line—this is forever. 

His best friend’s lips turn up into a smile. “Close your eyes,” she whispers, and he does, allowing his eyelashes to flutter closed until he can only see those little dots that dance around his vision behind his eyelids. “Don’t move.”

A shiver runs down his spine at the depth of her voice, at how low it sounds as she inches closer to him, whispering that it’s going to be okay, that she won’t leave, and she will stay with him for as long as he needs. Every word is the most beautiful promise, every second more terrifying than that last, and when he can finally feel her body pressed close against his, he feels at peace, relaxed, and unaware of anything from his past that could possibly be stressing him out. 

Then her lips press against his, and his world ignites. 

They’re soft, impossibly so, like he’s always imagined they would be. The touch is something he melts into, his body joining perfectly with hers as he wraps his arms around her waist, needing to hold her close. A soft moan leaves her in response, and unlike the kiss they shared in his dream, this one feels every inch the way it should. 

As they begin to move together, he starts to understand what Tai told him earlier. All this time, he’s been surviving, not living. This, right here, is what life is—holding her, kissing her, and finally letting himself have what he’s always wanted. She is home, light—brighter than the stars themselves, and now that he knows what this feels like, he’ll never be able to go back, never be able to surrender what he has. 

But more than that, there’s a weight that’s now missing from his chest. For his entire life thus far, he’s been held down by his curse, but he can sense it the moment it leaves, like a ghost relinquishing its hold on the object of its possession. He’s free, he knows he’s free, and regardless of where this thing goes with his roommate, he will never be held back by the damned curse again. 

Her hands begin to twine in his hair, deepening the kiss as he feels himself smile from the sheer euphoria coursing through his veins. It’s involuntary, and he doesn’t smile often, but just this once, he feels it’s worth it. He’s free. He’s fucking free. 

The feeling of, _at last_ is quickly becoming his favorite. 

Until his lungs start to burn. He hates the idea of pulling away, but there comes a point where kissing her is almost more painful that not kissing her, and unfortunately, he’s only human. People need air, and so with a groan, he pulls away, taking in a deep breath so his oxygen starved organs can finally inflate. A couple of shocked swears leave his lips, causing the woman he loves to giggle as she leans back in for another short kiss. 

His chest burns for another microsecond, then he laughs breathlessly, leaning his forehead against hers. “I-I think that did it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, uh—“ He tilts his head to the side, searching her face for signs that anything is amiss. Given that all her features are relaxed, her body is still pressed against his, and she looks like she’s just found the sun after years in the dark, he thinks she’s probably fine. Still, he has to know for sure. “How do you feel?”

She takes a moment to think about it, her eyes falling shut, drifting side to side as if she’s actually doing some internal searching, then they open. “Are you asking if I feel cursed?”

“I am.”

“I don’t. I feel just as in love with you as I did before we kissed. Nothing’s changed.” Relief makes itself known on her face, her eyes lighting up like Christmas trees. “And how do _you_ feel? Any different?”

“I-I-I feel like I’m floating or something. I don’t know, it’s like I’ve been let loose, lost all my obligations, like I’m—“

“Free.” Her hands fall from his face to his arms, pulling him into an embrace as her head begins to nuzzle into his neck. “You’re free, Ben.”

He is, isn’t he? After all this time, he is free, his soul has been released from the bonds holding it captive, and it’s all because she and her best friend invited him to a party in their freshman year of college. “I am,” he breathes, then he starts to lean in for another kiss, his lungs deciding they’re ready to go hungry again. “I’m free, and I—I owe you my life.”

Snorting her amusement, she meets him in the middle, moaning softly into the kiss until the moan becomes a soft squeal when he lifts her from the ground. As far as he can remember, they left the door open, and so he guides them through it, kissing her all the whole as her legs wrap around his hips to hold him tight. 

Then her back meets the wall, and they have no need to hold each other quite so tightly—that’s support enough. It’s enough to allow her room to move, at least. She pulls back, hand caressing the back of his neck as she begins to press kisses along the column of his throat. 

Blood begins to rush south, but he doesn’t want to go there just yet, and there’s something he needs to find out. “When did you know?” 

“Know what?” she whispers against his neck. “That I was in love with you? That I wanted to be with you?”

“Both, definitely both.” A moan leaves him as she sucks a mark into his neck. “ _Fuck,_ Rey—“

“Oh, please, I’d love it if you would,” she says, pulling back from his neck to begin pressing kisses to his jaw, trailing slowly back toward his lips. “If you’re willing, that is. I just think we should celebrate your new freedom and all.”

Humming his agreement, Ben begins to take charge, kissing her soundly as he finds himself grinning from ear to ear yet again. The kiss picks up its pace, and he starts getting ready to pull away from the wall, when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

_Not now._

It’s just a text message—followed by another two—but it takes him out of the moment, causing him to grumble as he begins to reach into his back pocket. Or rather, he does until Rey puts a hand over his and stops him. “Don’t. Worry about it later. This is your first night of freedom, I want you to enjoy it.”

More laughter tumbles forth from his lips, then he sighs, reaching up to brush a stray strand of hair from her face. “Enjoy it _how_ exactly?” he asks, just wanting to hear her say it even if he knows how she wants this night to go—how they both want this night to go. “Tell me, Rey.”

“You’re so stupid, Ben.” Then she’s kissing him again, fingers curling into his hair tighter than before as he pulls them away from the wall, walking them down the hallway toward his bedroom. “So stupid.”

“Just tell me what you want to do to me— _with_ me.” They cross the threshold into his room, and now his bed is so close that he can just toss her on it, but he wants to hear her answer first, wants to know what it is she wants. “If you’ve truly broken my curse, then I want to hear how it is you’d like to be thanked, how you want to start—whatever this is.”

“You can start by making me come harder than I ever have in my life. How’s that?” 

“I think that works just fine,” he says, then he places one knee on the bed, setting her down slowly as she clings to him for dear life. They both know he won’t drop her, that he’ll hold onto her until the moment her back touches the mattress, but still, he wants to reassure her, to leave no doubt in her mind that in his arms, she’ll never fall.

Once Rey’s on the mattress, she stares up at him, anticipation heavy in her gaze as he crawls over her, leaning down to meet her in another kiss. Her hands come up to rest on his back, causing Ben to shiver as he begins to reach for the button of her jeans. 

The button gives easily, sliding through with almost no effort before his fingers move on to the zipper. All the while, his lips never leave hers, not even as he begins to slide the zipper down, nor as his fingers tuck themselves beneath the waistband, or even as he begins to slide them down her hips. Ben thinks he has an excellent idea for how he’ll make her come, it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s successful. 

Pulling back, he takes a moment to admire her, to look her in the eyes in this moment, the last moment before they come together for the first time. She’s beautiful like this, lying beneath him on her back waiting for him to move, to keep removing her clothes and just do it already. 

Even her impatience is something that makes him fall in love with her. 

A grin parts his lips as he finishes pulling her jeans and underwear from her body, leaving her lower half bare to him for the first time once she chucks off her shoes, then he follows suit. Once he’s done, he crawls over her again, watching her eyes as they fill with his favorite sort of fire, and Rey tugs lightly on his hair, bringing his lips back down to hers for another searing kiss before he resumes his work on her body. 

He plants kisses on her collarbone next, leaving her shuddering beneath him, reminding him that this is it, the moment he finally gets everything he’s ever wanted. A moment which is, at heart, what people who have a genuine connection like theirs share, not just two ships passing in the night. 

His other hand slowly starts to make its way up her shirt, pushing it further and further up her abdomen as he goes, then she grows impatient, breaking the kiss to tear it off before pulling him back down to her again. Once his lips make contact with her skin, his mouth descends lower and lower until he’s between the valley of her breasts, making him vaguely aware that her bra clasps in the front.

_That’s something that will no doubt prove useful later,_ he thinks as his hand slowly begins to glide back up the smooth skin of her thighs, trying not to shake as he moves. Her breath hitches into the kiss as his fingers reached the apex of her thighs, his thumb circling her clit gently as she cries out into him, breaking away from his lips to press kisses along his jaw, encouraging him as he applies a little more pressure. “Oh, _god_ , Ben…”

Unable to help himself, he smirks against her lips as they skim lightly over his. “I’m just getting started, sweetheart,” he assures her as one of his fingers slips inside of her, and she lets out a noise that’s a mixture of a laugh and a moan, and may be one of the sexiest things he’s ever heard. Still, he silences it with a kiss, his lips dragging roughly against hers as his finger begins to pump slowly in and out of her. 

After a moment, he slowly pulls his hand away, which causes her to let out a groan of disappointment, but then he gives her another laugh. It earns him a scoff. “What are you doing?”

He shrugs. “I can keep going, but I think you’ll like what I have in mind a bit more.”

“You’re a bit cheeky in bed, you know that?”

“I’ve only just gotten started, Rey.” He presses a kiss to the valley of her breasts. “I just--this is the best moment of my life, and since I’m sharing it with you, I want it to be perfect. I want you to enjoy this just as much as I am.”

Placing a hand on his cheek, she gives him a small, gentle smile. “I think you forget this all started because I told you I was in love with you--well, implied it, but it’s the same thing.”

“Right.”

“This is the best moment of my life, too, Ben. It’s already perfect.”

Ben shakes his head, then he lowers his head, kissing down the center of her abdomen until he finds himself face to face with her cunt. Taking a deep breath, he begins to press kisses along the inside of her thighs, her hands remaining firmly locked in his hair as he inches further and further up, but she’s silent, shockingly so, until the moment he finally brings his lips to her clit.

A loud, obscene moan their neighbors can definitely hear leaves her as he swirls his tongue around it, her hands fisting into his hair even more tightly so that a low, pained groan leaves his throat. All that does is drive her even crazier, her hips seeming to fight the urge to buck up into his mouth with every flick of his tongue. “Never stop doing that,” she tells him, her breath coming out in short, sharp shocks as if it’s difficult to so much as draw oxygen past her lips. “God.”

Ben pulls away from her for a moment and she groans at the loss of contact as he gives her a knowing smirk. “I’m flattered, Rey, but call me Ben.”

“Fuck y—“ before she can even finish her two word sentence, he’s back on her again, and the you becoming an “oh” as her hands leave his hair, and move to grip the sheets, sparing him from the pain of potentially becoming bald at twenty three. 

In spite of the ache in his head, the way she reacts to him has Ben feeling alive. The last time he’d been with someone like this, he’d been afraid--rightfully so--of what would happen after, of how he’d lose them horribly. With her, he doesn’t have that kind of fear, he doesn’t need to. He presses his tongue inside of her, earning himself another shout of his name, one that makes him feel overjoyed rather than terrified. 

It’s another reminder that the curse is over, that he’s won, and no one will ever suffer under his hand ever again. Not from that, at least.

With a renewed vigor, Ben’s right hand grips her waist firmly as he sucks on her clit, knowing as the minutes go by that she is getting close. A part of him wonders if the curse will break for others, if Rey is the only one, or if his exes will get to enjoy the same privilege he currently has. All he can do is hope for it, hope that by the time the sun rises and they wake up in each other’s arms, spent and tired from what he hopes will be a long night of love making, that he’s right. 

Her back arches as he brings her closer and closer to her climax, one hand reuniting itself with his hair as she warns him that she’s close. This only earns her a hum of acknowledgement that sends her over the edge as he feels her cunt flutter gently around his tongue, a fresh wave of wetness coating his lips as she comes on his mouth. Pride swells within him as she swears loudly enough that he’s sure the entire Rocky Mountain range can hear her, but she doesn’t seem to care as her eyes clench shut and she continues to fall apart with reckless abandon. 

As she comes down from her high, Ben’s fingers gently coax her through the aftershocks, and he rises from his position by her cunt so he can crawl over her on the bed. Their eyes lock as his hands pull away, then they find her face again, cupping her jaw as he pulls her in for a kiss. 

He wonders if she can taste herself on his lips, if that is why she kisses him so hungrily as they come down from their high. Sure, he hadn’t been the one to come, but making her fall apart with his mouth is easily one of the most thrilling experiences he’s ever had. She drinks him in like he’s a cool lemonade on a hot summer’s day, and she fully plans to take advantage of the unlimited refills, like he’s water in the desert and she’s been wandering aimlessly for ages. 

It gives him more hope than she can ever know. 

When Ben pulls away a moment later, she damn near seems to whimper at the loss of contact, pulling his forehead back down to hers. He doesn’t mind, he loves being close to her, loves feeling like he’s finally whole after spending so long with a piece of him missing. “I love you,” he whispers, brushing her hair out of her eyes, wondering exactly when in all of this it had fallen in them. 

“I love you, too, idiot,” she replies, then she takes a deep breath. “So, I’m guessing it was worth it?”

“One hundred percent.” He’s beaming at her now as she lets her hands fall to the button of _his_ jeans, making him vaguely remember his phone sitting in the pocket and the message he’s planning to ignore for the rest of the evening. A part of him wonders if he should check it now before it’s too late, but Rey is lying beneath him naked, and he knows whatever it is, unless someone’s dying, can wait. 

And if someone were dying, they’d be a lot more desperate to get into contact with him. 

A throat clears, drawing his attention back to his lover as she quirks a curious eyebrow at him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, just thinking.” He’ll just look at them later. If they’re a mild level of important, he supposes it won’t make a difference if he checks them now versus in the morning, will it? 

“What about?”

“How I need to go to the store and get a condom.” It’s true, he doesn’t have a condom on hand, he hasn’t for a while--tends to happen when everyone he sleeps with gets cursed. “I don’t want anything to--”

She holds up a hand. “No, there’s no need, I’m on the pill,” she explains, then she takes his face in her hands as he breathes a sigh of relief. “You don’t need to worry about anything, it’s just us now. You’re free and we’re together, there’s nothing standing in our way.”

“And you’re sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” Pulling him down for another kiss, she laughs breathlessly. “Just make love to me and let’s call it a night. We’ve both earned it.”

Giving her another amused snort, he leans in, kissing her senseless as they begin to remove his clothing, a pile of cotton and polyester blending into one another on the floor. The two people on the bed remain oblivious to the world around them, getting lost in each other as the sky darkens even further, and their first night of true and proper freedom begins.

Tai  
  
Hey, Ben, I don’t know what happened but? I just felt this huge weight lift off my chest? My sinuses feel clearer? My entire body just relaxed so hard I almost passed out in my kitchen?  
  
Did you talk to that roommate of yours? Did you break the curse? Cause I think you might have just done it cause when I think about our relationship now, I don’t feel like I’m about to fall apart, it’s just a bunch of really nice memories. I think I might be getting over you, so either you broke your curse, or that conversation we had really helped and I’m going to be able to move on.  
  
Anyway, no matter what happened, I’m glad you came by. It was good to see you. Hope now that now your curse is gone we can see each other more often, you always were my closest friend. See you around?  
  


MOM  
  
Call me as soon as you see this. The curse is broken. Need to know how you did it.  
  
Also need to thank you. Or Luke if it was him. Love you, hope to talk soon. \--Mom  
  



End file.
